Your Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day.

So I saw the movie "Valentine's Day" with my mom on Friday and learned how this day got it's title. Caesar wanted men to focus on war so he banned marriage, but Saint Valentine was a romantic and believed in love. He would secretly marry couples who were in love. Also, on this day Valentine sent a letter to a woman that saying something along the lines of "I will love you forever, love your Valentine". Thus why we call this day Valentine's day.

My Valentine's days in the past have been quite out of the ordinary, and never turn out as I thought they would. Usually I find myself doing something very random, or some kind of stereotypical girl thing such as a burn party (that went wrong), ice cream and sappy movies, etc. But nevertheless I still love this day. It hasn't given me exactly what I want, but it's been pretty good to me. ha. I have some very fond memories of how I spent my funny valentine's day, and I know I have many more ahead of me. It's part of the fun not knowing how this day is going to turn out.

Hope you all feel loved today. I know I do.

Mucho mucho love.

I See You

Ok, I have a lot to say.

So often I've heard people say I have it so together- I'm placed on a pedestal. People look at me and see this happy-go-lucky girl who hasn't experienced what they have. After hearing this numerous times I'm not just taken aback. I'm mad. hurt. sad. And I know that I'm not vulnerable around people as much as I should be, but there's a reason for that. Some people don't show their brokenness outwardly like others. Just because I haven't leaned on alcohol or drugs to numb certain pains doesn't mean I'm fine all the time. If someone takes the time to actually look and inquire, they would know. They would see me. There are rare moments when I completely open up to someone. I have a guard up, and it slowly comes down as I become close to that person. I actually like to share with people, but most of the time people don't ask or just weren't listening. Maybe I try to keep it together constantly because I don't want to be that typical girl with "daddy issues". I don't like to cry in front of people. I don't like to focus on what hurts me. No, I have not lived a life full of rebellion or "worldly" experience. But I have lived a life that has seen betrayal, abuse, loss, sickness, and deceit. So don't tell me I'm perfect or too good. I just try to do the best I can.

God is good. Today I needed to see a certain friend. I needed to talk about certain things I don't often get to talk about with others. I needed to remember who I am, what I need, and someone to wake me up. I'm going to change some things in my life. I've allowed certain changes take place that I would feel bad about. I think I was testing some of my limits, and seeing how I'd feel. But the truth is I didn't become numb to my actions, my conscious kept me in check. Today I heard what my heart needed to hear. I'm going back to my limitations. Just because I'm growing up doesn't mean my purity of heart has to dissolve. I'm me and I'm not going to feel bad about it. I don't regret anything, you are given experiences for a reason and I've learnt a great deal in the past year.

I believe in beauty, faith, and devotion. But I struggle just like everyone else in certain seasons in my life. I feel a new season coming on, and I'm liking the look of it.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."

Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because It Happened

My sister and I were talking about how we wonder why certain people are placed in our lives. If they are here to teach us something or if we're teaching them something. Hopefully it goes both ways. Each person I've come close with has made such an imprint on my life and changed me somehow. I definitely think people come into your life for a reason.

Epiphany

Epiphanies are sometimes good, sometimes bad. I hate when I have one that I don't particularly like, but it is what it is.

Wow my shortest blog post ever.

I Wish I Could Save You

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/special/32-hours-the-church-in-haiti

Just watched this and it was deeply saddening but incredibly moving and beautiful too. Haiti has my prayers. It's unreal to see a world so different from my own and the devastation that is unimaginable for us. Christ followers there, even after this tragedy and destruction, they maintain great faith and praise God. A pastor who's church was destroyed and his people caught in the rubble, including his wife, yells with agony crying out to God, but still ends with the word "hallelujah". It brought me to tears.

At the end of the video the pastor of Mars Hill church calls out the church members for not having a more active role. Not only elsewhere but even in their own church. We have all these resources at our fingertips, not only tangible resources, and we do not give. I felt for him as you could see the overwhelming emotions in his face. His disappointment. Sorrow. Urgency. DO SOMETHING. He yelled. It woke me up. I'm someone who has not be doing enough. I prayed.... "I'm sorry". Tears. Amen.

Infinite

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life." - (500) Days of Summer

This I find to be true. But I also find it to be true that a moment, an experience, a day can be significant enough to change your life. Make a lasting impression that you will never forget. I think each of us craves this all the time, which is why we crave adventure, risk, something new. Being in La Push this Saturday was a moment that changed me, just in the slightest way. Crossing the water, climbing the rock and looking around the bend at one of the most beautiful sights. I was afraid to take the risk, but the things you're afraid of are usually the most worthwhile. It was one of those moments where you feel time stops and nothing can bring you down from this high. And to be standing there with two friends made the moment even more special because I got to share it with someone. I hope I have many lasting memories ahead of me, good or bad, I know it'll shape who I become. And I'm excited for that.

What Good Are Words

Wow.. I forgot for awhile there that I have a blog. I find it kinda funny that I have a blog because aren't they supposed to be the insight to your personal thoughts? And that's actually not a talent of mine. I am never able to quite articulate what exactly I want to say so usually what comes out is some jumbled version of what I want to say, what I think I'm supposed to say, or just what is easiest to say. Sometimes useful, but mostly frustrating cause it usually creeps up on me and bites me in the butt. I guess the best way to really know what someone is feeling or thinking is to look at their actions, I do believe actions speak louder than words, but words do help. It's like how people say 90% of what you're saying isn't coming out of your mouth.

Today I went to Starbucks to journal and reflect as the New Year is beginning, and it was wonderful. I sat by the fireplace and journaled like crazy. Then did my devotionals while listening to the new moon soundtrack and watching the rain fall outside the window. I had a great year last year, but there's some definite changes for the better that should be considered or made. When I compare this January to last year's January it feels like I'm much more antsy. For some reason I feel some kind of urgency or rush to find something or feel something. See once again hard for me to explain. I hope I can enjoy what comes my way this month and just let everything go.

One of my friends mentioned this whole thing of developing 6 new hobbies. You focus on one hobby for 2 months. So my first new hobby I want to develop/focus on for the month of January and February is painting. I've dabbled in it, but haven't totally thrown myself into it. I'd like to see what I can really do and I feel like now is a good time to explore expressing through a different form of art. I'm passionate about art so this should be a fun new avenue of that passion.

Well goodnight and sweet dreams.