I See You

Ok, I have a lot to say.

So often I've heard people say I have it so together- I'm placed on a pedestal. People look at me and see this happy-go-lucky girl who hasn't experienced what they have. After hearing this numerous times I'm not just taken aback. I'm mad. hurt. sad. And I know that I'm not vulnerable around people as much as I should be, but there's a reason for that. Some people don't show their brokenness outwardly like others. Just because I haven't leaned on alcohol or drugs to numb certain pains doesn't mean I'm fine all the time. If someone takes the time to actually look and inquire, they would know. They would see me. There are rare moments when I completely open up to someone. I have a guard up, and it slowly comes down as I become close to that person. I actually like to share with people, but most of the time people don't ask or just weren't listening. Maybe I try to keep it together constantly because I don't want to be that typical girl with "daddy issues". I don't like to cry in front of people. I don't like to focus on what hurts me. No, I have not lived a life full of rebellion or "worldly" experience. But I have lived a life that has seen betrayal, abuse, loss, sickness, and deceit. So don't tell me I'm perfect or too good. I just try to do the best I can.

God is good. Today I needed to see a certain friend. I needed to talk about certain things I don't often get to talk about with others. I needed to remember who I am, what I need, and someone to wake me up. I'm going to change some things in my life. I've allowed certain changes take place that I would feel bad about. I think I was testing some of my limits, and seeing how I'd feel. But the truth is I didn't become numb to my actions, my conscious kept me in check. Today I heard what my heart needed to hear. I'm going back to my limitations. Just because I'm growing up doesn't mean my purity of heart has to dissolve. I'm me and I'm not going to feel bad about it. I don't regret anything, you are given experiences for a reason and I've learnt a great deal in the past year.

I believe in beauty, faith, and devotion. But I struggle just like everyone else in certain seasons in my life. I feel a new season coming on, and I'm liking the look of it.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."